First Steps of My Ayahuasca Journey

Curious and open, I set off for the 12-day Living in Alignment Ayahuasca Retreat, eager to explore what lay within. I proceeded without expectations and kept my research brief, hoping to allow my first experience with the medicine to unfold naturally.

Still, I arrived with intentions. I wanted to meet the shadows and hidden corners of myself, understand them, and choose what to nurture and what to set free.

Where

Temple of the Way of Light (TOWOL) can be found 1.5 hours outside Iquitos, Peru, deep in the Amazon rainforest. Accessible only by plane or boat, the TOWOL sits in nearly 300 hectares of untamed jungle; the perfect environment for an ayahuasca retreat and healing.

Ayahuasca: A Brief Overview

Ayahuasca is a sacred psychedelic plant medicine from the Amazon, traditionally used for healing, spiritual growth, and self-discovery. In guided ceremonies, it can bring visions, emotional release, and deep introspection, often leading to insight, transformation, and reconnection.

The Ayahuasca Retreat

The 12-day ayahuasca retreat included six ayahuasca medicine ceremonies led by Shipibo healers from a long lineage of practitioners. The healers, or “maestros”, use ikaros (healing songs) that channel plant-spirit energy to clear negative energies and address physical, emotional, and psychological challenges. During every ceremony, each of the four maestros offered a personal íkaros to every participant. Click here to listen to an example of an ikaros, and then imagine 4 maestros chanting different ikaros, but in unison.

Additional plant-based treatments at the ayahuasca retreat included juice remedies, floral baths, herbal steam baths, and massages using rainforest extracts.

Dieta & Fasting

A strict “dieta” was observed before, during, and after the 12-day ayahuasca retreat. Meals were fresh, clean, and wholesome. They were largely unprocessed, locally sourced, and whenever possible, grown or plucked straight from the ayahuasca retreat’s own gardens and grounds.

In line with the “dieta”, red meat, pork, dairy, oil, caffeine, alcohol, salt, and sugar were not allowed. The fasting began after lunch on ceremony days and, depending on personal preference, sometimes continued until lunch the following day. Click here for more on the ayahuasca retreat dieta.

Accommodations

I stayed in a single accommodation bungalow called a “tambo”. My tambo was a simple, open-walled, screened treehouse-like space perched in the jungle canopy. There was no electricity, but it had a private toilet, running water, sink, hammock, desk, chair, and bed. Monkeys swung from the vines outside, adding to the raw, immersive feeling of the rainforest. Single accommodations were encouraged for quiet reflection, though doubles were available.

Cost

$3,950 at the time I attended (currently $4,440).

Intentions

You are encouraged to bring simple, clear intentions for each ceremony. Starting intentions with “Teach me…”, “Help me…”, or “Show me…” can help guide your focus and reflection during the ayahuasca retreat plant-medicine ceremony.

From Purge to Being Buried Alive: What to Expect in an Ayahuasca Retreat Ceremony

Purging:

Ayahuasca is a powerful medicine, and part of the process includes purging. I experienced vomiting during my first two ceremonies, but I did not have diarrhea or the dreaded “double platinum,” which is when both coincide. I’m convinced it was the strength of my maestro’s ikaros that triggered my vomiting, rather than the ayahuasca itself. While it was uncomfortable, it was also deeply cleansing.

Ayahuasca Taste:

The ayahuasca medicine was served in a small glass, and getting it down was no easy task. The smell hit first, pungent, earthy, and slightly sweet. The thick, dark caramel-brown liquid seemed to fight its way back up the moment it touched my tongue. The struggle was real.

Ayahuasca’s Darkest Moments and What They Taught Me

Moments of fear are common during the ayahuasca journey. Many participants experience symbolic death or being “buried alive,” only to emerge feeling reborn. The medicine revealed to me that my death was not far off. Rather than fear, I experienced a clarity about valuing the life I still have. My worries about purpose and everyday struggles suddenly felt insignificant. I also experienced moments of being pulled too far into the unknown, yet staying present and trusting the plant medicine helped me navigate through these more frightening visions.

Trippy Visuals, Visions, and Insights: What Ayahuasca Really Shows You

Ayahuasca experiences go far beyond simple “trippy visuals.” The visions are often symbolic, emotional, or spiritual and are sometimes felt more than seen. You might perceive memories, patterns, or insights rather than literal images. Each ayahuasca trip is unique, guiding you to process emotions and confront truths in ways words can’t fully capture.

Ayahuasca Retreat Ceremony Timeline:

The ayahuasca retreat ceremonies began at 6:30 pm with a gentle candlelit yoga session. At 7:30, healers and facilitators entered the space, and at 8 pm, they served the ayahuasca. The effects began roughly 45 minutes later, with ikaros and healing work following soon after. The ceremony ended sometime between 11 pm and 2 am, after which you could return to your tambo or remain to sleep, reflect, or take more time to come down from the ayahuasca medicine.

Guided by Red Lights and Angels

Bathroom “angels” escorted us when needed. The open-air ceremony space was pitch-black, lit only by the night sky. We signaled the angels for assistance with a red light. Walking was challenging on ayahuasca; navigating in total darkness was even trickier.

My Ayahuasca Retreat Insights and Lessons

Each ceremony became a mirror to my inner world, revealing parts of myself I had overlooked, resisted, or misunderstood. The ayahuasca journey was not always easy, but the medicine gave me exactly what I needed: lessons in forgiveness, surrender, love, self-acceptance, and self-preservation.

These are my takeaways, raw, honest, and deeply personal. While I have not shared every insight, the four ceremonies highlighted below capture the journey that reshaped how I see myself, others, and the flow of life.

Ceremony 2: Learning to Surrender

Intention: Teach me how to let go of control, accept, and stop resisting the flow of life.

During ceremony 2, I revisited past traumas. For the first time, I felt anger toward someone I love for their part in my past pain; something I had never held them accountable for. But the anger was fleeting. Almost immediately, it softened into compassion. I watched them navigate their own struggles and do the best they could with what life had given them, and that compassion naturally morphed into forgiveness.

The medicine also revealed the roots of my empathy and brought to light the origins of my fears and recurring nightmares, tracing them back to experiences from my adolescent years. It showed me that my startle responses and anxieties aren’t random; they have a history, and my fears are valid.

This connection helped me understand my need for control. That need isn’t a flaw; it’s a protection mechanism that once served to keep me safe. Those dangers have disappeared, and while I now (post-Ayahuasca) no longer judge myself for needing control, I also no longer feel the need to hold on so tightly.

I’ve learned that control was never the problem — fear was. With that understanding, I can release the tension I’ve carried for so long, trust the flow of life, and move forward with lightness and ease. Lesson learned.

Ceremony 3: Keeping My Energy Close

Intention: Help me grieve loved ones I’ve lost and friendships I’ve released, even when love was still present.

In ceremony 3, the medicine guided me toward a lesson I hadn’t sought but deeply needed. Rather than addressing my intention directly, it showed me the importance of protecting my energy. Because I’m sensitive to confrontation and hurting others’ feelings, I often let people talk at me, share views I’d rather not hear, or keep me in situations that leave me drained and uncomfortable.

During this ceremony, I realized that my energy is mine to hold close and that I’m entitled to set boundaries without guilt. I no longer need to endure interactions that pull me away from myself. Finding strength within my own space will be challenging, but it is vital to my well-being. This insight felt grounding and empowering, and I hope to carry it with me into everyday life, even if it means letting go of friendships and people I once held close.

Ceremony 4: The Art of Self-Validation

Intention: Teach me how to stop seeking validation from others. Show me I am enough.

Ceremony 4 began with an overwhelming wave of love and gratitude for the people closest to me. It was powerful and humbling; a reminder to never take them for granted and to cherish them for the treasures they are.

When the first maestro began to sing my íkaros, I instinctively lifted my head high, silently repeating my intention: “Teach me how to stop seeking validation from others. Show me I am enough.” It felt as though the maestro was echoing that message: “Hold your head high; your worth comes from within.”

Soon after, I felt a surge of energy move through me — left, right, up, and out — as if something heavy was leaving my body. I believe it was my ego releasing its grip, drawn out by the medicine and the song. I can still feel that magic of my ego shimmying out of my body, and I reflect upon it often.

The vision returned me to my loved ones. I understood then that, aside from these precious few who know me fully, flaws and all, no one else’s opinion matters. Their love is constant, and that’s all the validation I’ll ever need. Everything else is just noise. I don’t need to be young, thin, or flawless. I don’t need to fear that my art or writing will not be good enough. My people see me for my heart, not my appearance or the caliber of my artistry. Be kind. Be good. Nothing else matters.

I also saw my body differently – not something to shrink or perfect, but something to strengthen and honor. I don’t want to fade away; I want to live fully, to climb mountains, swim wild oceans, and move through life with power and presence. My body is not for display; it’s my partner in adventure.

I no longer fear failure. I no longer chase approval. My worth is reflected in the love of those who truly see me, and in the love I give in return. I am enough. Thank you, Mother Aya, for reminding me of that truth.

Ceremony 5: Finding My Way to Forgiveness

Intention: Help me to forgive myself.

We all carry regrets. I carried mine for years. I once deeply hurt someone I loved, acting in ways that didn’t reflect the person I wanted to be. Though they forgave me long ago and urged me to do the same, I couldn’t forgive myself.

During ceremony 5, I set the intention to forgive myself. It was during my second ikaros that I discovered the roadblock that had held me back. Deep inside, I was still holding the same patterns of thought that had driven my actions long ago. While my behavior had improved long ago, the old expectations and feelings lingered, quietly shaping me and my relationships.

This ceremony hit hard, and it remains the most shameful and challenging lesson for me to write or speak about. True self-forgiveness meant tending to the roots of my shame. I had to face and confront the triggers that had guided my worst impulses and moments. Only when I released those expectations and judgments did I feel the first lightness of forgiveness rise. With that acceptance, I was finally able to forgive myself. The shadow I carried lifted, and the ghosts of my past fell away.

Beyond the “Trip”:  Lessons From 12 Days in the Jungle

Beyond the medicine ceremonies, the ayahuasca retreat threw surprises my way; lessons I never saw coming and experiences I couldn’t have imagined. Ayahuasca isn’t easy or comfortable, and not everyone made it through the full 12 days. Here’s a closer look at what living off-grid in the jungle and tripping on ayahuasca was really like.

Group sharing proved surprisingly powerful. Group settings aren’t usually my thing, yet some of my most profound insights came from opening up and listening to others share their intentions, struggles, and ayahuasca experiences. These conversations helped me see the common threads of human growth and vulnerability.

Not everyone in our group stayed the full course. Out of 23 participants, one opted out of taking any more ayahuasca after the first ceremony, some took ayahuasca breaks before returning to smaller doses, and one left the ayahuasca retreat entirely after four days. Their departure had an emotional impact on the rest of us and reminded me how connected we can become in shared journeys.

Being without cell phones or outside communication was more challenging than I anticipated. When I couldn’t check on my kids or search the internet on a whim, I realized how much I depend on constant external input. This disconnection, though difficult at first, created space for self-reflection and awareness.

The ayahuasca retreat has no mirrors, not in the rooms or the public spaces. I hadn’t realized how often I checked my reflection. By the end, this absence allowed me to feel freer, less self-conscious, and more connected to my inner self.

The jungle itself is alive and intense. The sounds were far louder and more pronounced than I imagined. In short, every rustle, animal sound, bird call, and insect chirp reminded me that I was fully immersed in a living ecosystem. The heat is intense, the biting bugs relentless, and repellents barely work because I was either sweating them off or taking cold showers to cool off.

During my time at the ayahuasca retreat, I realized how much I crave home. My husband Alan and I have been traveling so much that I sometimes wake up disoriented, unsure of where I am. In recent years, we’ve spent more time in different time zones and unfamiliar places than in our own home, moving from one mountain, airport, or trail to another.

In the heart of the jungle, disconnected from electricity, internet, and other interruptions, I was reminded of the stillness I long for. I want to be home, to nurture wellness and connection. I want long sleeps in my own bed, shared meals around my table with those closest to me, and slow mornings on the couch next to Alan, watching the sunrise with coffee or tea in hand.

From an Ayahuasca Retreat to Everyday Life: Insights I’m Taking Home

I arrived at my ayahuasca retreat curious, unsure what the medicine might reveal, and left with a deeper trust in life and in myself. The retreat, the jungle, and the disconnection from everyday life offered a space to reflect, reset, and reconnect.

The TOWOL ayahuasca retreat ceremonies guided me to forgive, release what no longer serves me, love without condition, and honor my own energy and worth. Somehow, the medicine gave me exactly what I needed, even if it wasn’t what I expected or knew to ask for.

I am deeply grateful for every lesson, every tear, every maestro, every facilitator, every ikaros, every group share, and every participant who helped me discover the peace, trust, and confidence I hadn’t realized I was missing.

Thank you to everyone at the Temple of the Way of Light ayahuasca retreat for guiding me on this journey and leading me home.